Anthropomorphizing My Mental Illness

No, I don’t literally hear voices arguing in my head. But giving them a life of their own has helped me to organize it in my own mind. When my depression and anxiety disorders decide it’s time to peak, it feels like I’m being ganged up on…even if it’s all me. This is because even though I know all the thoughts come from within my own mind, there’s a small part of me that fights every time to remind the of myself that I don’t normally think that way or that what thoughts I’m having are irrational.

These could be fairly obvious examples of irrational thought such as when my anxiety brain decides that checking my email is terrifying. “Seriously? What is the worst thing that I could read? It’s not like we’re being harassed and have to actually be concerned. My life is not in danger from email, I promise you”. But sometimes it’s more subtle and you only realize you drifted into crazy land after it’s too late. It has gone from wondering why the boyfriend didn’t respond to a text, to wondering if he’s upset with me, to wondering what I did, and somehow… Within minutes… My head is giving me insane concerns that our relationship has been a lie from the beginning and I have been manipulated for sex because that’s the only reason he’d keep talking to me and he’s obviously sleeping with a bunch of other people and that’s why he’s not called back because he’s tired of me! I wish I could properly explain just how far into crazy land this line of thinking is for my relationship with him. I didn’t just wander into crazy land, I staged a hostile take over of it’s capitol and declared myself its evil dictator. By the time it gets to that point, I’ve started to catch my brain rewriting past interactions to be negative and manipulative. And seriously? He’s one of the most genuinely compassionate people I know and can’t lie to save his life.

How Did I Get There?

It’s easier to understand if you think of the anxiety and depression brain as having the same behavior of the meanest girls you knew in highschool. You know, just like in the movie Mean Girls. They feel their purpose is to rip you down.

Anxiety tells you how everything is going to crash down in the worst way possible while Depression is there to tell you exactly how it’s all due to your gross ineptitude. They don’t give up easy, they’ve got a lot of practice, they have learned to play well off each other, and they’re unrelentlessly cruel.

Let me play out an extended version of the example I gave above of inner dialog.

I wonder if everything is okay, I normally hear back by now. I mean, all was good last time we spoke. Could be busy at work or left the phone at home.

I hope he’s not mad at me.

No, I mean, why? He didn’t say anything about being mad at me.

Probably trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings because he knows I’ve been through a lot right now.

I have been going through a lot lately… I’ve probably been really annoying to him.

Maybe he IS trying to distance himself a bit. I’m too much for me to deal with, I can only imagine how much it is for him.

It’s not like it’s his job to save me anyway. I’m asking too much for him to be there for me.

It’s only his right to be frustrated with me at this point.

How could he put up with all of me for this long?

Maybe he just doesn’t realize how bad I am, because I can be so terrible I don’t even want to be around me.

No, he’s seen me break a few times now. He knows.

Maybe that’s it then, he didn’t realize it, now he knows, so now he’s trying to find an easy out!

Can’t really blame him for it. I guess I hid it in the beginning. Really wasn’t fair.

But he has told me before that it’s not fair for me to deal with this on my own and that he wants to be here for me.

That’s easy to say though. Nobody actually means when they say that.

I do, but don’t hold anyone else to that. You’ll just be disappointed when you need them and they can’t be there.

He probably just said that because it calmed you down.

If you noticed, he wanted to have sex later. It was probably just to get you to shut up long enough to get laid.

That’s probably the real reason he stays around.

He’s probably really practiced at talking pretty and getting women convinced he cares for them.

I was probably just lured in and never saw it coming.

Oh gods, I’ve got myself into such a mess, I should back off too.

Oh, he messaged back. He says he just left his phone and said “love you beautiful”.

Yeah, probably just to get you to not think about it.

He’s probably just giving automatic responses. It’s an easily expected thing to do.

That’s how he lured you in the first place.

Yeah, I need to back away. It’ll only end in heartbreak.

I should have known better to think someone could be that sweet and actually love me.

And it continues to go on like this. Some days I can catch it early and quiet it. Some days it runs like a child with scissors. Now, to counter what Anxiety and Depression have to say…I totally made the first moves and it was equal in pursuing. We’re often talking about loads of really amazing conversation and while sex is important and fun…I am treated far from a booty call when convenient. That’s as much for the readers benefit as it is a reminder to myself when I read over this later. That line of thinking is beyond absurd. But, there it sits, straight from the Dictator of Crazy Land.

Where Do We Go From Here?

For me, it’s a mix of putting into effect cognitive coping skills and, recently, medication.

I have learned, with the help of an incredible therapist in my past, to help notice the difference between a bad situation and Depression and Anxiety logic. That’s the first step. As soon as I recognize it as bullshit, I call it out for what it is. This could be to myself, this could be to my friends, this could be to the person the bullshit is surrounding for the moment. I have, on occasion, gone to the boyfriend and said “I’ve got bad Depression and Anxiety brain right now and it’s telling lies about you. Can you just hold me and tell me it’s okay?” And, the fantastic man he is, goes above and beyond in somehow just the way that it makes it better.

But it still lays on my shoulders to recognize it and communicate. I’ve set up with a few friends warning signs I forget or have too much apathy to hide when it gets bad and what to do. All of it, however, is me looking out for myself in the end. Making sure that I’m basically hiding coping tools in the trust and love of those close to me. Honestly, it was due to those fail safes that I ended up at the doctor deciding to go on medication.

It would be hard enough if that kind of continual abuse was coming from bullies. We often can’t deal with such a situation on our own. It should be considered no different just because the bully is in your own mind, is okay to call in reinforcements.

I just had my second major surgery. It went well and though it was only a week ago, I can tell it’s healing pretty good thus far. The surgery prep was less than phenomenal, though it wasn’t the fault of a bad nursing staff. They dug around in various spots on my arms eight times before calling someone from the midline team.

I’ll state it again, the staff was fantastic. They were all very skilled nurses, and one was even my anesthesiologist that is familiar with EDS. The problem was completely with my veins that would blow or collapse on them. I can’t, and won’t, blame any of them because of my zebra veins causing problems. They were all kind, patient with my anxiety and slowly rising stress, and as gentle as trying to get the necessary IV allowed them to be. They even gave me a nice Ativan to help me calm down half way through the attempts and gave me warm blankets for my arms that were icy because of the Raynauds. Despite that, I will admit that I was struggling to hold back tears after one of the last attempts on my wrists. My surgeon happened to meander by at that time and asked how I was holding up. I looked at the anesthesiologist and back to my surgeon, and asked the both of them…

Can I Please, PLEASE Stop Being A Zebra Now?

My anesthesiologist responded with much appreciated humor and my surgeon responded with sincerity and empathy that, while I adore him, was unexpected. Though I was stressed so I don’t remember exactly, but it was something along the lines that while I can’t just stop being a zebra, how amazingly strong I must be to be able to handle being a zebra in the first place…only…I promise he was much more eloquent than that.

My pre-op nurses when I apologized for being a nervous wreck THANKED ME for my patience and cooperation and strength with this. I was told similar from my Primary Care Doctor, my Gynecologist, even my Acupuncturist. Not to mention friends that seem to never miss an opportunity to tell me. Even strangers that are visitors to where I work…”Wow, you’ve got an amazing attitude! You’re so strong!”

…But I Don’t Feel Strong

Especially not lying in that hospital bed, in a paper dress, arms with bumps from blown veins wrapped in warm towels, failing to hold back tears because I’m so broken I can’t even get an IV. Knowing I’d be going home to be confined to needing help with something as basic as taking a shower for about a month at least. Knowing I can’t be trusted to use a knee scooter the 200 yards to my work without supervision for at least a month. Yep, there’s the broken girl crying in the pre-op room.

I’m in pain all the time, and sometimes I break down because I just am completely overwhelmed with the fact I rarely have a day where something doesn’t hurt. I break down because I’ve been mobility impaired in some significant way with my ankles for over a year now. I break down because I’ve been breaking down more often than what I consider normal. Here I am, on the verge of breaking down in the hospital before surgery and they’re telling me how strong I am? And every time, I immediately think there’s something wrong with each person that sees me as having strength through any of this.

But Strength Isn’t About Never Breaking

This is something that I’ve still not learned well and will have to work on accepting. But strength in this situation is about choosing to push forward. I could have very well stopped after the fourth IV attempt, or even the second, and walked out. I could say “fuck it” to sticking to a strict diet that keeps me from going out to most places or eating without concern when friends cook. I could say I’m done seeing doctors for a while because it causes too much pain, and grief, and hopelessness.

Though I personally don’t see it as a choice, I persevere through each challenge the best I can. That after each time I break, I try and see what I can do next. If I stop being able to sit at my desk and paint, I wonder about ways to make it safe for me to do it in bed or on the couch. I am always on the look out for new things to try with my diet that will be replacements for foods I desperately miss. I’m even learning to let trusted friends know when I am truly not alright and should be checked in on occasionally. And though I still don’t see this strength most days, I have plenty that will remind me that while it feels inconsequential while elbow deep it in, the sheer fact of pushing forward in the face of adversity is where strength lies.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Anxiety Lies

Anxiety stems from an important defense mechanism. When we’re in danger, what is commonly referred to as the fight or flight response kicks in. Trouble with anxiety…is almost anything can trigger that response. Though there are plenty of theories as to why the anxiety brain is so over-active, the bottom line is our anxiety disorder brain lies and says benign things are scary and we’re going to die.

Now, the hard part, is that if you’ve read the previous post…you know that there are a lot of things that we really DO have to concern ourselves with. Which just complicates the whole matter. I end up spending a lot of time in internal conversations with myself over whether something is a valid concern or anxiety taking a tantrum.

How Do You Have A Conversation With Your Anxiety?

Okay, so it might not be a conversation EXACTLY. It’s more a fast paced analyzing of what I’m feeling vs what is logical. It might look something like this, I’ll put the more emotional reaction in bold and my logic response in normal text:
OMG My foot is red around the stitches and it’s painful to step on now! Something is wrong!
Well, it’s only been a few weeks from surgery, and I DID walk on it yesterday
What if it’s infected? It totally could be infected right now
But…it’s not warm to the touch.
What if it’s a deep infection and hasn’t come all the way to the surface to feel warm yet?
But that…isn’t how infections work. If it was a deep infection, by the time it was red, it’d be inflamed, darker, more tender. I’d feel warmer.
You can’t trust your own judgement, what if you’re wrong?
Well, then I’ll call the surgeon. He did say to call if I’ve got concerns.
But what if he’s busy? And what if he didn’t really mean it? Can I justify calling him for just a little pain?
Okay, so how little is the pain really? Can I walk like I’m supposed to? *tries out again* Nope
What if you did something and destroyed all the work the surgery did?
Which is even more of a reason to call the surgeon, right?
But what if it’s normal healing and you’d be calling just to harass him?
It could be nerve pain, that’s what it was last time.
Which means you’d be BOTHERING him
Unless it’s not just nerve pain….
How could you let this happen. You probably overdid it and now not only are you bothering him but he’ll know it’s been ruined because of you.
Or, he could relieve my worry like he did last time. That is a possibility.
Or it could just confirm that you’ve gone through all this pain of surgery for nothing and now you’ve ruined your ankle
No….
No

NO

That’s enough. Get all the information about it. What kind of pain. How far it extends. Range of motion. Photo in case he wants it texted. If I upset him, I upset him. But better to know I checked.

And that was a short version of one morning I actually did call the doctor. The result was positive and he completely reassured me that it was really good that I called, but that’s not the point I hope to make here.

But Everyone Worries!

And that’s true! But the difference between someone that suffers from an anxiety disorder has an internal dialog they have to keep in check like that often. Remember earlier when I said it could take benign things and turn them terrifying? Surgery has a lot of concerns, and even more with EDS. But anxiety doesn’t just come about when it’s time to make you feel like a hypochondriac. It can show because of anything from a phone call to a bruise you don’t remember getting.

But stress makes any anxiety symptoms worse. It’s more than just internal dialog, it’s a fear response. Instead of just considering the emotional response dialog up there as words, consider it being felt as something worth being afraid over. Feeling as if you really did screw up everything beyond the point of repair despite any evidence to the contrary.

This can appear to someone on the outside as just being in a miserable mood and snapping, or being overly emotional at what looks like simple problems. Sometimes it appears as just being really emotionally needy and needing physical affection. It can even look like all the person does is talk about their problems and “negative” things.

I can’t speak for everyone of course, but try and keep in mind when things like that are viewed from the outside… There can be a storm raging on the inside that is threatening to take over. In situations like this we really need to learn self care.

When Self Care Can Trigger Anxiety

Sounds backwards, doesn’t it? But that’s the point. It’s an anxiety DISORDER and not just being nervous for logical reasons. Something like resting as much as the doctor told you to can make one’s anxiety skyrocket as if you were being chased by lions. OMG what will be people THINK?! You’re so lazy and worthless and not even trying!

What seems like an illogical internal conversation (and often is) send very real to someone in the throws of anxiety. What if I’ve not moved enough? I’m too much of a burden, I have to clean. I can’t ask anyone for help, they didn’t mean it when they offered. If I ask for help I’ll push people I love away from me! Everyone around me probably thinks I’m just being lazy. I know the doctor said put my foot up most of the day, but my coworkers are getting mad at me, so what if I try and work like normal and put it up with ice when I get home?

But you know what? Try and remember it doesn’t matter what others think. And it doesn’t matter what your anxiety thinks they’re going to think. What matters is that we all remember to take care of ourselves the best ways we can. To do things like call the doctors when we’re concerned or take a break when the pain gets to great. We need to remember that we’re important enough to deserve the best chance at proper healing. So what if Suzy in Payroll rolls her eyes at you. Suzy isn’t living your life so her opinion only matters as much as you allow it to. Suzy won’t have to cope if you’ve screwed something up by pushing when you should’ve taken a break… YOU will.

So please at least try to take a deep breath and take the moments you need for yourself.

In The Spirit of Self Care

Who doesn’t like chocolate and cheesecake? Click on the image below to get a recipe for a low carb, keto, gluten-free ZEBRA CHEESECAKE RECIPE! The recipe comes from another zebra and is to die for!