What is my goal for the year?

To learn to see myself as the person that people that love me see. A side note of that is to learn to accept compliments instead of finding ways to merely brush them off with unhealthy humor. Or, at least start the journey to get there because it might just be a long, winding, rocky one. I’ve no illusion that it’s going to be an easy path because this particular paradigm was cemented into me from a young age. The longer you let it continue, the longer it will probably take to reverse it. However, I have decided it’s about time to face this particular monster in the closet and serve her an eviction notice.

Paradigms such as this, often have a root belief system in place that causes it to develop. Mine? That I am not good enough or worthy enough to actually be given compliments. That eventually oozed into believing I was not worthy of real affection, let alone love. It’s not an uncommon root belief system. There’s many people that believe that in some form or another, and it came about in each person for various, very individual, reasons.

My Personal Backstory

Where did my belief system stem from? Children should be nurtured into having healthy friendships and achieving their goals. Most would agree with that statement without hesitation. However, not all children receive that, and it can create a long-lasting impact on their psychological well-being. There’s a lot of controversy in parenting styles and it can be difficult when different forms of discipline are discussed to see a clear line between abuse and necessary tactics for the situation. Unfortunately, this isn’t about a fine line.

Imagine you’re a small, shy child in 1st Grade. One of your classmates invites you to a birthday party and you are SOOO EXCITED to come home with that little invitation. When you show it to your parents, they laugh and say that the only reason you were invited was to get presents because nobody is really your friend. 1st Grade. A tiny little shy child, in first grade, hearing from their parents that nobody really liked them, they just wanted another body there to get gifts from. This response never changes through many similar events until much later in life.

Now imagine that same, shy child growing up through elementary school and developing an interest in art. That tiny, beautiful little mind wanting to draw everything they saw in nature and everything their imagination could come up with. Yet when they would show their parents something they were particularly proud of, it was only met with harsh criticism. The proportions were off or the eraser marks could be seen. It wasn’t good unless it was close to perfect. As the child grows into a teenager, each interest they have is met with that same, harsh, criticism that whispers “You’re just not good enough for me to be involved in your interests.”

Children are impressionable things with minds that absorb their surroundings and build a world view around them. If what they continually were exposed to was a constant flow of exceptionally harsh criticism along with belittling, it only follows that eventually…they’d start to believe this was reality. They were not good enough. They would never be good enough. Many in that environment just stop trying because it is seen as a waste of time. They’ll always be the weird ones that people are only nice to and compliment out of pity no matter what they do. Why bother?

This is especially exaggerated when the child does receive compliments from others, only to return home to mocking. Sometimes, criticism of the person that delivered the compliment and a harsher break down of the flaws in that work that was praised follows. “You’re not good enough, and anyone that says you are…they just don’t know how you REALLY are”, is the message that is delivered with increasing intensity.

The above examples are part of where my belief came from. When I had adults reach out during that time, I was unaware that they were actually reaching out and instead took it as some kind of potentially cruel joke. It wasn’t until I put myself into therapy before graduating High School, that I even considered that I might be wrong in my approach to myself. That maybe, I wasn’t at the core of the problem.

Why This Recent Goal?

It was a long string of events that really seemed like a message I couldn’t ignore. Something bigger than me seemed to be yelling, “Would you work on this already please?! You’re missing a huge, beautiful world out there!”

Over the past 2 years, I’ve had a pretty intense struggle with my health. Being diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos, going through surgery, recovering from odd complications, Hurricane Matthew bringing 2 feet of storm surge into my home, major changes at work….the list could go on. Friends were there to help as best they could. Sometimes it was just letting me vent on the phone and sometimes it was something major like helping me to get a shower after surgery. It took me a long time to accept that these people weren’t just helping out of obligation. It shook my reality a little bit to know that these people were helping me because they really just cared for me. This, is something that should have never been a huge revelation…but it was.

Recently, I have gotten to know someone I deeply admire, respect, and even care for. When he wrote me a very sweet compliment of being intelligent and cool…I brushed it off and made a sideways joke of just saying that because I brought chocolate earlier. My other half, scolded me. Later on, so did the other person. I can’t tell you why that interaction in particular shook me the way it did. I had done it so many times before with so many friends. One of my closest even had a discussion with me that he often picks on me in odd ways because he knows it just makes me suspicious if he would be straight up nice. We had a laugh about how screwed up that was and I forgot it…until it finally struck home just how screwed up that behavior was. Until now.

I don’t easily care for people, and I don’t say things like “I love you” unless I mean it. I’m kind, and I understand everyone has their life going on so I try and bring a bit of cheer to their day. But actually caring about someone to that I get close to them? It’s a rare thing. Mostly because of all that past baggage I’ve not yet found out how to drop it off. So when I do, it’s a major thing for me, and I hold those people close. At the same time, there I was unwilling to properly accept that someone else could possibly even consider wanting to have any kind of positive connection to me. I would be crushed if I found I made someone feel unloved, yet I was inadvertently directing those feelings outward to people who never deserved such suspicion or flippant responses.

It hurt. I cried. I had a breakdown.

Then, I got angry. How dare those thoughts and feelings stand in the way. How dare those things from so long ago, creep in and try and keep me from getting to know amazing people. How dare they keep me from being proud of things I’ve accomplished so far. How dare they keep me from accepting that people are allowed to see beautiful and incredible things in me.

What To Do Now?

I’ve got enough faith in myself matched with stubborn ambition to approach this head on. To attack this to the best of my ability. I put myself into therapy back then, and I decided not too long ago to return. I’ve also got the added help of Lexapro. Most importantly, I know I have friends…no…extended family that will remind me of my goals and correct me when I need it.

I am not in this alone. Anyone out there struggling with similar issues…you’re not in this alone. Sure, we all have flaws. Even fatal flaws. But none of that means that we are not worthy of appreciation and affection. Whether you were taught otherwise from family, husbands, wives, friends…you are worth it. You have something incredible and unique about you. Don’t ever let anyone extinguish your flame because they’re too cold and hardened to appreciate it.

When those terrible thoughts surface, ask yourself who said that to you first? Where did you first hear that from? Even though they’re things we tell ourselves, it always has come from someone else first. So dig deep. Figure out who first to try to snuff out your light? Acknowledge that the voice isn’t really yours, it comes from them. Think, what would be different if you truly believed that statement was untrue. Then…tell it to fuck off as many times as necessary.