Depression

Depression is a insidious disorder. Often you don’t know how bad it really is until something triggers such a reaction that you say “oh dear heavens, I want to die”. Depression and thoughts of death go hand in hand. Not always, but chances are if you’re thinking of your own death, you’ve been suffering from depression. That’s my experience anyway.

Insidious because often it’s just a cascade of things dragging you down until the feeling of drowning is overwhelming. Maybe it is your job, money, family, friends, school, health or something else that drops you down into the Blue Meanies. I’ve always called my depression the Blue Meanies, probably because of my love for Yellow Submarine by the Beatles. In the movie, the Blue Meanies are trying to destroy all music and color in their world, turning it grey, dull and hopeless. I have that feeling quite a lot, ergo the Blue Meanies have invaded my spirit. I often don’t see them coming until they have a pretty strong hold over my spirit and I’ve become quiet, less animated, more prone to dark thoughts. (see https://www.musicmusingsandsuch.com/musicmusingsandsuch/2018/7/17/feature-blue-meanies-and-the-liberation-of-pepperland-celebrating-fifty-years-of-yellow-submarine)

Dark thoughts can take many forms. These are some of mine.
* Feelings of unworthiness
* The world would be better without me
* My health means I can’t work, so what do I contribute to the world?
* Who would notice if I just wasn’t here?
* I’m a burden to all around me, financially, emotionally and sometimes physically.

I write these down so people can see MY thoughts. While I think of death regularly as a friend I would welcome in, I do not have suicidal thoughts. If you do, please call 988 in the US for help. Trained crisis workers will help figure out how best to help you. Suicidal thoughts are not bad, not abnormal. They’re honest feelings that have to be allowed space to live. All feelings deserve to exist, but for some reason, feelings of death, self harm and hurting oneself is considered taboo to talk about. I’m not the person to talk about any of those, as I’ve never felt any of them in a way to truly talk about it well. But I can remind people that any and all feelings are valid.

Some of my depression is caused from my genetic disorder. Knowing you live with something that makes every day a challenge is hard. Many days I force myself to shower, because it’s the only thing I can do that day. I don’t cook anymore, I bake very rarely, but I do clean up after meals. Headaches that are so bad that focusing on anything is close to impossible, but what do you do all day if you can’t read, crochet, type etc? You choose sleep, but I can’t spend my entire life in my bedroom. Believe me, I’ve tried. So I get up, take that shower, eat, read a book on my iPad (easier to hold and I can make the font bigger), crochet, watch TV (I try not to do this until late in the day) and talk endlessly to doctors and their staff about symptoms or next steps.

Add in being a highly sensitive person, for whom the slightest raised voice or unkind word is like a wound, and you have a person who doesn’t feel like they fit in anywhere. And when someone feels like that, then depression is close by and the Blue Meanies are smothering the world to you. Fitting in isn’t exactly easy all the time. I struggle with where my place is, who AM I without being able to work. I have no children and no partner to be responsible for. Sometimes I feel “less” because I don’t have those typical things being very close to 50. And I’ll never have children, which I don’t necessarily regret, but I also wonder what I’ve missed because of it. How much did my depression play into my choices not to get married or have children? Quite a lot. I never felt that I was “good enough” for the men in my life. Or I thought that I was enough, but they weren’t. Being a HSP, I’m very good at reading people’s facial expressions, body language, etc. Which means I sometimes can feel what someone wants from me without them telling me. And that sometimes means that I’ll change myself to fit what that person wants or I think they want. It’s a conundrum, and it’s part of who I am, to try to fit what I think people want from me. And it’s a hard thing to recognize that is one of my personality traits, as I refuse to call it a flaw. It’s who I am, and I have to recognize it. I was watching Ted Lasso for the 3rd time and I thought of how Ted and Rebecca use a codeword of “Oklahoma” to say if something is true or not. To talk about their honest feelings, which is hard to do. Fo many people, I wear that mask of “it’s all ok” and very few people see the Oklahoma version, the true feelings and emotions I have. For most people, I wear a heavy mask, as if to say “I’m ok, really I am” when the truth is hard to admit because how many people actually want to hear that your day, week, month or year has been shitty and death could be preferable? VERY few people want to hear that. I don’t know how many people truly want to hear it. Even if they say it, very few actually want to know it. Because in my experience, telling the truth on how you feel only sounds like complaining and I don’t want to be someone who only complains. I would rather people think of me as someone who fights through things and rarely complains, but also rarely goes out because of pain. But that’s part of me. And I’d rather be quiet and respected for being “strong” than have people say that I only complain.

This is essentially what depression means to me. It’s hard, lonely and quiet. But as long as I talk to the Blue Meanies and welcome them and don’t pretend they aren’t there, then I can accept them and live with them and work on how to work through them. I accept them and will always have these feelings, as long as I live. I just need to know they’re there and try not to let them take over. As long as I don’t let them take over, then I can live on.