Momma, don’t let your kids grow up to be cowboys…afraid of feeling
I grew up in an environment where anger was not acceptable. The oldest of 3, I was not to get angry at the younger siblings, I should be understanding and lead by example. I shouldn’t get angry at real or perceived injustice, I should extend my empathy and forgiveness for what someone else is going through. I shouldn’t get angry at racist statements or actions, but instead try and understand what that person may have grown up with to make them who they are. I shouldn’t get angry about feeling mistreated, be thankful because someone else has it worse. If you get angry, you’re just as bad as they are. You’re falling for their trap if you allow yourself to feel angry.
So much of my life up till now was full of people older than me trying to force the wisdom of pacifism in all ways on my heart. So many platitudes to reinforce it like how holding a grudge is holding onto a hot coal and hoping the other person gets burned. How not forgiving someone and allowing anger to root only hurts you. They spoke as if letting yourself feel that emotion is one of the most dangerous things you could do and one of the biggest failures you could ever have. A marring of your soul.
They spoke as if permitting anger to gain breath, would be a sign to everyone around you that you were unworthy of any kindness or acceptance or trust. That if you allowed yourself to get angry, and especially if you listened to anger in any way, that it made you unworthy of future forgiveness.
Let me tell you…that takes an awful lot of effort to unlearn! Not gonna lie, gonna blame Catholic fear mongering as a big part of it in the early years. “Oh noes…if you get mad and don’t forgive people, you’ll end up suffering for all eternity!” is a pretty big motivator for a kiddo. But that kind of teaching also paves the way to allow predatory behavior to thrive. It’s on of the many reasons that victims can get caught up in focusing on the positive aspects of a person instead of taking action when necessary.
From a Warning Call to Throwing Hands
Now this isn’t to say to let your anger off the leash completely and let it take the wheel. Anger, like all of our emotions needs to be met with awareness and moderation. If we let joy run the show, many of us would likely be in just as much trouble but for completely different reasons. Same with sadness, love, fear. As much as I would prefer to never mention the big mouse corporation, there’s a recent movie where all the emotions are anthropomorphized into their own being inside the head of the characters. In the plot, joy was causing problems. Not sadness or fear or anger. Joy. Because we need to learn to accept and work with all of them as all of them can complicate our lives. Today, however, I’m focusing on anger.
Anger is important. It lets us know that something is wrong. That something doesn’t feel fair or true. Whether someone else feels the same way can be taken into account, but we all view things differently. To warn us that someone else is in danger. To strike the fire of motivation to change what we feel is wrong. To encourage us to stick up for ourselves and for others.
I like to think of mine as a rattlesnake. Coiled. Observing. Waiting. Misunderstood. And no longer willing to be silent.
She gets suspicious, and I get a tightness in my chest. Upset enough to give a warning rattle and I can feel the buzz in my arms. Further antagonization and it becomes difficult not to give a warning bite with venom laced words, not enough to harm but enough to say whatever going on isn’t welcome here. Stop. Back off. Past that point and no matter what act is taken, you’ve past the point where I’m willing to give you grace…at least that’s how it feels in the moment
I’ve learned to love her, and respect her…my little internal rattlesnake. But it took and awfully long time to get to that point. I still catch myself thinking that I should scold her for rattling her warning or bury her in the sand when she starts to tense her coils. Feeling like it’s shameful to have the ability to put venom into my words or actions. And I still have fear that letting her exist will cause unforgivable hurt to people I care about.
But…just like a rattlesnake…you have to learn to work with it. Listening to what is making those coils tense or that hair stand up or that pit in your stomach to form before it gets further. Showing that part of yourself that you do, in fact, hear the warning of alarm bells. Whether the next action is to walk away or to spit venom or to remain still and observe, we can learn to manage the anger and work with it rather than wait till it gets overwhelming and near impossible to control. We need to do this because sometimes….sometimes that warning signal is wrong.
However you envision your anger, it has learned what it needs to react to in order to keep you and others safe. And just like any other living thing, it can learn that some things that are a danger…when there’s more to what they’ve experienced. So we learn to listen without feeling a need to act immediately.
So yeah, you’re allowed to get angry at someone’s tone of voice sounding disrespectful. You’re allowed to get angry for not feeling heard. You’re allowed to get angry for people taking advantage of you. You’re allowed to get angry when people you trust betray you. You are allowed to get angry.
The trick, is learning what to do when you get there. Is the anger for a reason you can fix? Is it going to help motivate you to advocate for yourself? Is it something you feel so strongly about that you need to act? Are you prepared for consequences or are you just allowing that rage to talk you into it? Can you learn to find a talking ground with your anger to help discern real threat from perceived? Can you learn enough to handle it similar to those comfortable with handling a snake or a spider?
I don’t have the answers for what is right or wrong for you. I’m still learning to talk with mine. All I know is that it’s important to not cut off the tail of the rattlesnake and pretend that she’s tame and that anger doesn’t exist. In that way, anger definitely is a poison. The more you pretend it isn’t there…the more it builds resentment. Ignoring it just allows it to grow where it’s out of sight to where it will explode out one day…and probably at the worst possible time.
Let it be uncomfortable. Block those people that get under your skin. Call out that coworker. Get to know your inner truth better. And screw trying to be this perpetually higher than thou never feel the seed of rage ideal.
Make friends with the rattlesnake.
It’s much better than being afraid of it.
