The Irksome Thing About Being A Trauma Survivor…
…is that it is surprisingly isolating. In an odd way it gives one some sense of what it is like to live in the closet in earlier years. We, as a culture, don’t even like to talk about trauma in an abstract sense let alone in a productive way for those that have gone through it. Actually, George Carlin had a bit about this on the topic of Shellshock/PTSD that very much relates to this. Just remember that comedy works because by and large it is a truth, an uncomfortable truth that we have a cathartic laugh about to feel better.
Hearing it put this way really seems to suck the humanity out of painful experiences, or at least what is deemed “negative” from those on the outside. Changing the words we use to even discuss trauma, to make them more comfortable to speak aloud, also has the effect of pushing those that have gone through it further away from those bringing it up. Making the terms to discuss trauma more polite, eventually we come to view the effects of trauma as being less severe to mirror the terms that have been used. We rely a lot on our words, so while Shell Shock sounds as terrible as it really is, Battle Fatigue sounds like all they need to do is take a rest and they’ll be fine.
There is an element of human nature in this. We want to fix people. We want them to be better and not in pain. When they’re in a type of pain we can’t fix, it makes us VERY uncomfortable. What’s the next step? If we can’t fix their problem, at least we can fix how uncomfortable it makes US to acknowledge it. Our brains can be so overwhelmed by our own discomfort, that we forget to remember those suffering and keep them within our own spectrum of empathy. But in doing that, we inadvertently are saying to those people “stay away from us while you’re like that” or “I can only deal with you when you can pretend to be okay”. So…to not be so alone…we adapt and learn to have a variety of social masks at our disposal.
When Pretending to Be “Normal” Becomes Second Nature
There is this point where you have been in a bad way for so long that you’ve normalized some of the tragic things that have happened to you and that you have seen, such as being abused as a child. Then one day you find yourself in a group of people and you mention “yeah my mother use to do X” and all of a sudden people begin reacting with a display of sympathy or thinking you are attention seeking. This can be as shocking as it is isolating because sometimes, we just want to talk about our past like everyone else seems to. To talk with someone who has been there just to banter about it and feel like it was normal. We’ve already gone over it in our minds enough that we’re a bit desensitized to the experience, or maybe we’ve managed to convince ourselves that everyone has gone through similar experiences.
The reaction from our peers, jolt us back (often very unexpectedly) to just how different our experiences really were. It mentally launches us out of whatever group we happen to be interacting with at warp speed complete with barbed wire barrier and nothing but a tin can telephone. The mask has slipped down unintentionally and, even if we quickly put it back up with some crafty application of gallows humor and a new mask that has a convincing smile, our secret is out and there’s no going back. Or…at least that’s how it feels. That only increases if we perceive that our circle of peers begin to treat us differently. “Perceive” is the important part of that statement because it could be actually being treated differently or we’re expecting it so much we see it when it’s not there.
Isolation and Our Relationships
This one aspect (of many) is why some abuse victims remain with their abusers for so long. They decide that the isolation of the outside world is too great and maybe, just maybe, staying with the one person who understands and seems accepts your damage is not so bad after all. It can be easy to blind oneself to the terms of that perceived acceptance. After all, they think to themselves, a little gaslighting and scapegoating is not so bad when compared to being out alone in the world that doesn’t understand you, is it? At least with the abuser you can put on your choice of masks to get through the day to day while still having some measure of a twisted form of acceptance to go home to. They make knowing what mask you have to put on predictable, and again, comfortable. Still though…ever see those pictures of what happens when you wear tight shoes or corsets the wrong way for too long? We are shaped by the masks we wear.
Similar to the tight shoes and improperly worn corset, if they’re worn for an extended period, it can become a hazard to then take them off. Our masks are no different, we start to rely on them instead of being able to realize when it is something that needs our attention. We don’t know how to function without using them. It makes it increasingly difficult to associate with “normal” people. Hiding behind the masks becomes our new normal and comfortable way of life and the thought of leaving that behind is (or at least can be) paralyzing. It means facing all of those horrible fears of isolation head on and risking what little we’ve gotten accustomed to as a security blanket. The longer it goes on, the scarier the monster is to face.
But That Isn’t The End of Hope
It’s never too late to reach out and combat these feelings of isolation. The important thing is to do act with compassion towards yourself and a healthy, stubborn ambition. Deciding that you are willing to approach the proverbial monster in the shadows is a major step that should never be underestimated or underappreciated. Don’t beat yourself up over the time it will take to make significant improvements. Remember that it is generally thought that the amount of time that you endured the trauma AND avoided working on it…will be close to the amount of time it takes to work on it as well. This isn’t meant to frighten or intimidate, but rather as merely a reminder to be kind to yourself through your process.
One of the biggest steps after this is in this is gaining a high level of self awareness of these things. Make a safe space to allow yourself time to process whatever traumatic events or memories that have come up in your life. This may be the office of a trained psychologist or simply a quiet, isolated space to freely process your emotions without fear of being approached. To learn that while masks are important to everyone in daily life, to limit their use to healthy amounts rather than a base state of being in public.
Search for a few friends who have the right amount of damage and awareness. That’s not to say ONLY have friends that have experienced similar trauma, because that defeats the purpose because the goal is to find ways not to live within your trauma. However, there is a type of validation that comes with being able to casually talk about your life that most people take for granted. Sometimes…we really DO just need to talk with someone who has been where we were and can see the world through a familiar lens. To not feel so alone in the world does wonders for one’s state of being. Find support groups and share stories from those that have been there and, ideally, with those that have worked past at least some of it.
The hardest steps are always the hardest, but we can do amazing things if we do it together.
