Whether you’ve been struggling with a chronic illness or you’ve made the break from the bad situation…
…more than likely, you just want a place you can talk about what you’re facing and feel normal again. What could be better than a place where other such people congregate? It sounds like a good idea, right? Support groups really can be wonderful places when you just need to get out the things that are clogging up your thoughts and they’ve helped a lot of people! This post is not to discourage you from seeking refuse among fellow survivors, so please don’t take it that way. We’ve suggested support groups in articles before. However…
The problem with seeking out havens where abuse victims, survivors, and suffers congregate is that they end up attracting those people who are truly attention seekers as well. These groups tend to become locations for people who want to publicly measure their suffering penis length or play the Pain Olympics. You end up finding those people whom you find yourself questioning how genuine their experiences are as they constantly flip-flop the history of their story, trying to soak up any and all attention they can get. Their stories sound like everyone else with just a bit more drama and anyone who presents with the slightest skepticism or question for elaboration is met with hostility matching that of an active volcano. We’re talking about psychic vampires. Not the mythical creatures that you might find in a horror movie, but a specific type of person that seems to be a black hole of negativity no matter the situation. These kinds of people are not only the “Debbie Downers” of the group, but (like Hollywood vamps) can easily “turn” you if you don’t know to be on the lookout.
They’re Not As Easy To Spot As You Might Think
Identifying problematic people can be messy because there are always going to be times where we will have gone through similar experiences as another, but slightly worse. Because of this, we should be hesitant to be hypocritical and unsupportive of a fellow group member that is saying how they’re going through a rough patch…at least…most times. Sometimes, we even become afraid to share our own stories so we don’t come across as minimizing the suffering of someone else. There is truth in sharing can create empathy, and that is, in fact, what the groups are there for. There is also a fine line between sharing in solidarity and playing Pain Olympics.
In fact, that feeling of fear in regards to sharing our stories can often come out of interacting with a psychic vampire, knowing that this type of sharing can catch the attention of the type of person that will draw attention and sympathy to themselves while minimizing your experiences. Those that seem ready to jump on any post with how much their suffering is so much more extreme that you should be grateful that you don’t have their life.
Don’t Mind Us, We’re Just Here To Prove We’re More Miserable Than You
There is also an underlying, subtle pressure to avoid proactive things that makes life enjoyable. It feels like being in a balloon that is about to launch while it still has a cord to tether it to the ground. Is it really flying if you are anchored to the ground? Sure, some things are pure statements of caution that comes from personal experience. Don’t do gymnastics if you’ve got EDS because you’re just progressing the disorder unnecessarily. Don’t jump into relationships after leaving abusive ones because we have to let ourselves heal properly first. These are rational warnings. But most of us have come across those people that if you share an accomplishment like “Hey guys, I was able to ride a bike for an hour!”, they feel a need to respond that you’re being reckless and make you feel as if what you were proud of is in fact something you should be ashamed of. You may have heard this called concern trolling in some circles.
This all has the potential to create a further feeling of isolation because in a group of what was expected to be similar minded peers, you again start to feel like the odd sheep out. Instead of finding support, we start questioning whether we should feel as if we’re struggling in the first place compared to those that loudly cry about how they’re suffering so much they are useless. Instead of finding encouragement, we find ourselves surrounded by those loudly cry how we shouldn’t do anything or how our accomplishments make them feel bad about themselves.
Making a Psychic Vampire
It’s not as nefarious as it sounds. Often, those of us that are living through invisible illnesses…we lack validation for what we’re going through. You see it in those that have been recently diagnosed. It’s talked about often as they go through the intense journey of processing what their diagnosis means to the rest of their life and even their past experiences. They ask 5,000 questions about what is normal and abnormal and common and if anyone else has suffered like they have. This is completely normal and it was touched on in a past post how a diagnosis can be a curse and a blessing at the same time. It is nothing to be ashamed of, hide, or shoot holes in if you’re on the outside looking in. It’s an important part of learning to travel the road of coping.
The problem comes about when that feeling of validation and support is too good to ever let go of so we can progress above it. The idea is no longer finding support. It is no longer showing empathy. It is simply to commiserate and continue the attention that has been lacking for so long. Psychic vampires don’t want to progress into feeling better because that means they no longer get the sympathy and attention they feel they need. Therefore, they don’t want you to feel better or focus on positive either because that means they’re more likely to be outed for what they are. They’re good at a sneaky kind of manipulation, that may not even be a conscious effort. They’ll respond in a heart beat to a post about how things suck to compete in Pain Olympics, but they’ll ignore more general or informative posts. They’ll constantly ask for encouragement on bad days but refuse in angry fashions when advice is suggested. And this is not a rare occurrence, it is all the time. In this way, unless you’re conscious of this process, you may start to find yourself interacting with these groups simply to complain and whinge rather than continue on a path that may bring you relief of any measure. Why? Because they’ve shown you that you get more attention and sympathy if you play Pain Olympics with them than you do if you choose to be hopeful towards the future. You get more “likes” and comments if you continually go over rough moments than if you share happier times.
There is also a type of awareness that one can sometimes gain from living through trauma of any sort; how to hurt people. We learn by watching and experiencing it first hand. It is one of those things that tends to be overlooked and ignored. yet a large number abuse victims and chronic illness patients we’ve met have “teeth and claws”. A morbid sense of humor or a quick wit. And yeah, this is part of how we survive and also part of how those cycles continue. There is this moment and feeling of power that comes with the moment we realize we can use what was once used against us. Not saying it is a good feeling or a liked feeling, but that moment when you have been through the pain and later someone provokes you…you find that perfect way to lash out at them that leaves them stunned? You suddenly go from helpless to powerful. It is a dangerous cycle and in a way it gives suffering a life of it’s own, after all that is almost a form of procreation in an abstract way of thinking about it. But unless we are careful to be aware of that potential within ourselves, we can easily find ourselves lashing out at support group members that have rubbed us the wrong way for a variety of reasons. They have a lesser version of our illness, so lashing out and making them feel small brings satisfaction that our pain is bigger and worth more.
It’s easy for anyone to slip into that has experienced long-term suffering. These actions lay between a security blanket of support and the power control brings. As said above, it’s not that most of these people are consciously making a decision to do this, and that’s the part that can make it difficult. They’re suffering, in more ways than one. but the scary part is the potential to be dragged down with it.
So What Do You Do?
The main thing is to be aware of it. Know that it is absolutely okay to reach out in times of need, but to not make it a way of life and to not engage those that are doing so. Don’t think you should go on a Psychic Vampire Crusade, for in truth, these people are just suffering and have decided that they’re not able to look for the light at the end anymore. You don’t need to point out their pain to them, just as you don’t need people to twist the knife in yours. Don’t spend your time hunting them or trying to fix them. As with all of us, people can only be helped if they are truly ready to step out into the sunlight on their own. You know that old adage how you can lead a horse to water? It works for people too.
If you find yourself getting down and drained when interacting, take a step back and interact with people or things that bring you joy. If not joy, at least comfort that doesn’t surround living in negative moments. Watch your favorite Netflix series, read a book, sleep, find a friend you’ve gotten out of touch with and reconnect. If you don’t have anything like that? Find something new you’d like to try. Give embroidery a shot and see what you can accomplish. Have fun with finger paints. Go to a coffee shop with live music. Accomplish something, no matter how small it is, and celebrate.
As said earlier, every one of us will have bad days, bad weeks, bad years. It’s not about never having them or never showing that they’re suffocating you in this moment. We can’t always be superheroes and push ahead full steam with a smiling passion that rivals a manic pixie. We need to face those times, and we need to reach out in those times. But we can’t afford to live there or let others drag us down to revisit that place any more than needed.
