I come up with topics to write about by taking a look at things that have had to deal with. If they’ve impacted me enough to feel motivated to express them in a more public setting, they eventually make their way to a finished piece here. However, like I’ve stated in several articles, some of these topics are not always easy to write about. I wanted to take a moment to talk about how and why I do what I do here. It’s a subject that I’ve really had to look in the face recently, and I have a feeling it may be relevant to people who want to write but have a hard time seeing past the intimidating factors of doing something similar.
Writing Personal Material Is Scary
Maybe there are some people out there that are completely unfazed by laying your inner stories out for the world to see, but most of us have a prominent fear of being judged for it. There are plenty of individuals that like to try and convince others that they don’t judge others, but humans are inherently very judgmental of just about everything around them. It’s a necessary evil in human nature. Being judgmental can help us avoid staying in relationships that aren’t healthy for us or trusting that a venomous snake won’t bite us when we pick it up.
The unfortunate other side of that proverbial coin that we can damn people (and other things) without good reason because that tendency often goes unchecked and unquestioned. If you happen to have traits outside the social norm, it’s not uncommon to find yourself at the receiving end of that unkind aspect. If you’re bold enough to write about it and talk about it? There are some that only see that as making yourself an easy target. Having an anxiety disorder & cPTSD at the same time? Well that just adds to the stress of the whole idea in the first place.
How Do I Work Past That to Write?
Cognitive dissonance and I are good friends. If you’re not familiar with the term, there’s a simple explanation here, but in short, it’s a questionable coping mechanism for when two conflicting ideas occur in one’s mind. For an example; if I have concerns about being judged for what I write but I’m driven to get it out there, then I temporarily employ the belief that nobody is going to actually read anything I write anyway. If nobody is going to read it, I only have personal standards to consider. I get negative feedback? Nobody is actually reading my stuff so they’re not real people anyway. Everything again reverts to relying on my personal standards on formulating a response. Concerned people I know would read it? I’ll not put my name to it, it’s now anonymous and they’ll never know. All of the worries that try to keep me from writing things that are intimidating are nullified.
I used to co-host a spirituality based podcast (no, I won’t say which one) with a few friends. We all got really good at implementing cognitive dissonance, and it helped us stay on the air for years. Thousands of downloads per episode? It’s just one weirdo downloading it a bunch of times…nobody is listening. Emails with questions and asking for our advice? Not real people, but let’s take this topic anyway because it’s interesting! It kept us able to be open and talk freely without censoring it just to please the crowd. Invited to be aired on public radio? It’s not where we live, we can pretend that nobody is going to listen to that either because we don’t have access to it therefor it is not real. I’ve had a lot of practice before applying it to writing.
The Cognitive Dissonance is a Lie
Some of you may already notice that there is a huge, glaring problem with doing this. I did say it was a questionable coping mechanism after all. No matter how much that’s a nice practice in the immediate moment, there will always come a time when that comfort bubble is popped by reality.
In my podcast days, the first time we went to a festival, we held a seminar of how to start your own. It’s REALLY difficult to hold onto the belief that nobody listens to you when fans come up and gush. If you’re really skilled in cognitive dissonance though, you can totally spin that as those people were obviously the weirdos that were downloading your episodes by the hundreds. I don’t recommend turning the practice into a competitive practice to achieve that level of skill…but it is an option
With this site, it presents similar issues. I recently had to have a discussion with someone that’s become my family about these writings. I made up cards to hand out for the times I open my big mouth at work. I didn’t want to keep writing it on a slip of random paper when they asked for more information and I like to make pretty things. When I shared the image of them, he requested some so he could hand them out as well. Which, to be clear, is AWESOME! However…remember that comfort bubble of thinking nobody was reading what I was writing? I had to confront that either he was reading what I was writing or he was going to be share blindly and unaware of what my writings contained. There’s no comfortable answer on my end.
I’ve written about abuse and sex and other things that I have only discussed with people I’m actually friends with during a nervous breakdown when the internal wall that is my verbal filter is broken against my will. Now, I had to have a discussion with him about his access to the old wounds that I’ve flayed open via text and the impact of him actively wanting to share it.
On the one hand, not only was someone reading it, but this was someone I knew, I had to interact with, and actually cared about if what I wrote would color future interactions I had with them. On the other hand, if he wasn’t reading it, he would be sharing things that are raw and only mildly filtered. There’s a potential for someone to come back and reference something written, either with questions or because they have been offended. Accidental exposure to things is like shoving someone down a rabbit hole without their permission. It is not my preferred method of communication in most circumstances.
There really wasn’t a good way to cognitive dissonance my way out of it. And the truth is, I really probably shouldn’t. The only way to properly handle it was to accept the bubble was popped (at least in one aspect) and deal with it.
Handling the Bubble Popping
Whether podcasting or writing about sensitive subjects, there’s two ways to handle when cognitive dissonance fails you, because it always will. Attempt to turn it into an Olympic sport and see just how far you can dig yourself a metaphorical hole to hide in…or…just take a leap of faith into the rabbit hole and roll with it.
Facing the intimidating aspect of your fabricated personal reality breaking down isn’t fun, as I illustrated with my current situation. But I hope you also caught that I used the words “had to have a discussion” rather than other verbiage at my disposal. Any time I apply cognitive dissonance, it is always with the knowledge that the reality I create for the immediate moment is a bubble that can pop at any moment. I understand that it is only a tool to help me get to my end goal. So I knew I’d have to face someone I interacted with on a regular basis and this site converging eventually. I also knew, that when faced with the choice, that I’d jump down the rabbit hole. Every time.
There’s a lot of personal nuance that goes into why I’ve made that decision. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I refuse to be controlled by my anxiety. I know the only way to grow is to push past it. However, I am forced to admit that I can’t do it all the time. Rabbit holes are scary things. You never know if you’ll find a flower garden with a pensive caterpillar to discuss your situation with, or if you’ll find yourself against an army of the Red Queen’s cards. The use of cognitive dissonance gives me time to prepare for that jump. I use it like one would utilize the shallow end of a pool. I’ve accepted the fact I need to dive into the deep end. When the fear of jumping off the diving board is too much for right now, I can get comfortable wading around where it feels safer. I know I can’t stay there if I want to achieve my goal, but it helps me gain confidence as I’m walking towards the edge.
Tale of Two Choices
But why subject myself to this in the first place? Being silent and wrapped up in a comfy blanket is certainly less traumatic.
For me, it comes down to why I am using cognitive dissonance in the first place. I had to decide, before anything, what was more important. Feeling safe and comfortable was important to me and my mental health, but I was also driven to want to put my experiences out there to help others. I had to choose what held more of a priority for me. No matter what way you look at it, there were two conflicting ideas in my head, and there’s only room for one in the end. There’s a story that is often erroneously attributed to the Cherokee about having two wolves inside you, and which one you feed is the one that survives. As much as that story is a point of contention, I can use it to help explain. You can’t keep up with two ideas that conflict at their core for very long. Those “wolves” will fight and continue to do so. Eventually…you’ve got to get rid of one. Unlike the story, it’s not about one being evil and one being good. It’s simply which one is better for you.
The beauty of this kind of decision, is that there’s no wrong answer. The only thing is what is right for this present moment in one’s life. You can even revisit these conflicting ideas later and change your mind. For me…it was easy. The whole reason I even came up with the idea of starting a website in the beginning was that I wished that there was more I could have read after a doctor first shared the name “Ehlers-Danlos”. I knew that my personal comfort would take a back seat. It was no longer a question of whether I should do it, just a matter of how. I accepted back when I first purchased the domain that I’d eventually have to have uncomfortable discussions with people I love about what I have here. That I might be forced into uncomfortable discussion at best and lose them at worst. I didn’t have to like it, and I could help put it off with cognitive dissonance, but that’s what consequences just happened to come with the decision I made. To me, that was preferable than not writing at all.
There is nothing wrong with saying that for you, your comfort is currently more important. I’m not a better person than those who don’t put their stories out there. It is simply a personal choice. Don’t worry about what anyone thinks of you for that choice. Make a choice like this because it’s something you feel strongly about. Don’t write when your comfort is more important to you right now, and be proud of yourself that you’re taking necessary time for self care.
**Authors Note**
I was almost finished writing this yesterday, when two women came into my place of work. They were here to discuss a future ad that is to be recorded for said place of business.
One of the women asked about my ring splints, then about why my ankle was propped up, and eventually all about having EDS. Through all of this, she mentioned trying to find a way to plug this site. Also, I need to be the one recorded for the business add because I’m an animated speaker. She has made her decision.
I swear, the universe noticed what I was writing, and took it as a challenge.
And in the end, I’ll do any of it. I might have my heart pounding as if it’s trying to escape the whole time…but I’ll do it. Because no matter how uncomfortable in the moment, the end result of having information out there is worth my discomfort for me. But no promises that I’m not going to tell myself that CD’s and streaming radio are now a thing so even if I record…nobody is going to hear me anyway.
Until that bubble pops on me anyway…
