Best friends is not exactly a term often heard when discussing ones mental illness, but it’s true for mine. The two of them are near inseparable. They’re like two old women who go to the hairdressers mainly to gossip or the old conspiracy theorist that everyone tries to avoid so they don’t get cornered into an hour long discussions about aliens. Only they live in my brain and I can’t just walk away from them.
Anthropomorphizing My Mental Illness
No, I don’t literally hear voices arguing in my head. But giving them a life of their own has helped me to organize it in my own mind. When my depression and anxiety disorders decide it’s time to peak, it feels like I’m being ganged up on…even if it’s all me. This is because even though I know all the thoughts come from within my own mind, there’s a small part of me that fights every time to remind the of myself that I don’t normally think that way or that what thoughts I’m having are irrational.
These could be fairly obvious examples of irrational thought such as when my anxiety brain decides that checking my email is terrifying. “Seriously? What is the worst thing that I could read? It’s not like we’re being harassed and have to actually be concerned. My life is not in danger from email, I promise you”. But sometimes it’s more subtle and you only realize you drifted into crazy land after it’s too late. It has gone from wondering why the boyfriend didn’t respond to a text, to wondering if he’s upset with me, to wondering what I did, and somehow… Within minutes… My head is giving me insane concerns that our relationship has been a lie from the beginning and I have been manipulated for sex because that’s the only reason he’d keep talking to me and he’s obviously sleeping with a bunch of other people and that’s why he’s not called back because he’s tired of me! I wish I could properly explain just how far into crazy land this line of thinking is for my relationship with him. I didn’t just wander into crazy land, I staged a hostile take over of it’s capitol and declared myself its evil dictator. By the time it gets to that point, I’ve started to catch my brain rewriting past interactions to be negative and manipulative. And seriously? He’s one of the most genuinely compassionate people I know and can’t lie to save his life.
How Did I Get There?
It’s easier to understand if you think of the anxiety and depression brain as having the same behavior of the meanest girls you knew in highschool. You know, just like in the movie Mean Girls. They feel their purpose is to rip you down.
Okay, so that’s not technically true and it’s really just some overactive protective protocols, but let’s run with the analogy for the sake of understanding… Okay?
Anxiety tells you how everything is going to crash down in the worst way possible while Depression is there to tell you exactly how it’s all due to your gross ineptitude. They don’t give up easy, they’ve got a lot of practice, they have learned to play well off each other, and they’re unrelentlessly cruel.
Let me play out an extended version of the example I gave above of inner dialog.
I wonder if everything is okay, I normally hear back by now. I mean, all was good last time we spoke. Could be busy at work or left the phone at home.
I hope he’s not mad at me.
No, I mean, why? He didn’t say anything about being mad at me.
Probably trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings because he knows I’ve been through a lot right now.
I have been going through a lot lately… I’ve probably been really annoying to him.
Maybe he IS trying to distance himself a bit. I’m too much for me to deal with, I can only imagine how much it is for him.
It’s not like it’s his job to save me anyway. I’m asking too much for him to be there for me.
It’s only his right to be frustrated with me at this point.
How could he put up with all of me for this long?
Maybe he just doesn’t realize how bad I am, because I can be so terrible I don’t even want to be around me.
No, he’s seen me break a few times now. He knows.
Maybe that’s it then, he didn’t realize it, now he knows, so now he’s trying to find an easy out!
Can’t really blame him for it. I guess I hid it in the beginning. Really wasn’t fair.
But he has told me before that it’s not fair for me to deal with this on my own and that he wants to be here for me.
That’s easy to say though. Nobody actually means when they say that.
I do, but don’t hold anyone else to that. You’ll just be disappointed when you need them and they can’t be there.
He probably just said that because it calmed you down.
If you noticed, he wanted to have sex later. It was probably just to get you to shut up long enough to get laid.
That’s probably the real reason he stays around.
He’s probably really practiced at talking pretty and getting women convinced he cares for them.
I was probably just lured in and never saw it coming.
Oh gods, I’ve got myself into such a mess, I should back off too.
Oh, he messaged back. He says he just left his phone and said “love you beautiful”.
Yeah, probably just to get you to not think about it.
He’s probably just giving automatic responses. It’s an easily expected thing to do.
That’s how he lured you in the first place.
Yeah, I need to back away. It’ll only end in heartbreak.
I should have known better to think someone could be that sweet and actually love me.
And it continues to go on like this. Some days I can catch it early and quiet it. Some days it runs like a child with scissors. Now, to counter what Anxiety and Depression have to say…I totally made the first moves and it was equal in pursuing. We’re often talking about loads of really amazing conversation and while sex is important and fun…I am treated far from a booty call when convenient. That’s as much for the readers benefit as it is a reminder to myself when I read over this later. That line of thinking is beyond absurd. But, there it sits, straight from the Dictator of Crazy Land.
Where Do We Go From Here?
For me, it’s a mix of putting into effect cognitive coping skills and, recently, medication.
I have learned, with the help of an incredible therapist in my past, to help notice the difference between a bad situation and Depression and Anxiety logic. That’s the first step. As soon as I recognize it as bullshit, I call it out for what it is. This could be to myself, this could be to my friends, this could be to the person the bullshit is surrounding for the moment. I have, on occasion, gone to the boyfriend and said “I’ve got bad Depression and Anxiety brain right now and it’s telling lies about you. Can you just hold me and tell me it’s okay?” And, the fantastic man he is, goes above and beyond in somehow just the way that it makes it better.
But it still lays on my shoulders to recognize it and communicate. I’ve set up with a few friends warning signs I forget or have too much apathy to hide when it gets bad and what to do. All of it, however, is me looking out for myself in the end. Making sure that I’m basically hiding coping tools in the trust and love of those close to me. Honestly, it was due to those fail safes that I ended up at the doctor deciding to go on medication.
It would be hard enough if that kind of continual abuse was coming from bullies. We often can’t deal with such a situation on our own. It should be considered no different just because the bully is in your own mind, is okay to call in reinforcements.
