There’s tons of media that perpetuate the idea of the poor, helpless injured person being cared for having an unexpected, passionate sexual encounter in the middle of it. Injured individual needs to get a shower, assistant starts out nervous and shy, hands slip, and oh my surprise sex! It shouldn’t be a shock that it’s some of the first things people have brought up to me when discussing how surgery recovery progressed. The fact that I needed help to get a shower and get dressed and *gasp* sometimes it was from a guy other than my partner?!?!?! Even the mental image of needing to have physical contact with a naked person is enough to get the imagination going for some.
I hate to be the one who bursts that particular bubble, but you want to know what most of those situations consist of? Trying not to fall over, wincing in pain, being exhausted from the effort it takes, and feeling a mix of embarrassment and annoyance that you have to ask for things you used to do on a regular basis…like reach the shampoo.
Now, this isn’t to say that you and your helper can’t or shouldn’t decide to make a fun time of it when you’re both feeling up to it. Please do! Remember, Safe, Sane, and Consensual…and then have a blast. But the concept I want to touch on is how the “helping naked people always leads to sex” idea is really troublesome on several fronts.
Finding Help That Is Helpful
There are some programs that get a nurse or other home health professional that come to the house and assist with this kind of thing. But not everyone qualifies for it or, like me, live in an area where that’s not really an option. My partner helped out when he could, but maintaining daily life got in the way of him being available 24/7. That left me with needing to ask people I knew.
Now, I’ve said before that I am not the queen of modesty, despite that most of my clothing is actually pretty modest. Once I’m comfortable that you’re not going to leer at me like you want to wear my skin as a suit…I just don’t care all that much. Problem is that no matter how many people try and state how they won’t be affected by it, their facial expression and slight change in vocal pitch says otherwise. I don’t expect people to be robots as far as response goes, but when their eyes get wide and they smile and their voice goes up an octave? They’re way too excited for this to just be help.
Thankfully, there were people that have been happy to help in the way that I needed, so they’re out there and they can be found. A lot of people who have done assisted care often just switch into a kind of “work mode” and you become a job instead of a naked body with sexual potential. I can attest to this on two fronts, helping with medical care and using people as models for art projects. It’s just a process that needs to be completed. Yes, I am fully aware that I’m looking at genitalia, but they just turn into a thing that’s secondary. Background information. I can even inwardly admire anatomy and not act on it or even vocalize it. It shouldn’t be a novel concept.
I need someone to be watching me, yes, but I need them to be paying attention to if my drugged self is about to fall over. If they’re too busy staring at my boobs or trying to put their hands where they don’t belong…they’re not paying attention to MUCH more important things. I also want to be where I can trust that I won’t be sexually assaulted because of being partially incapacitated due to surgery restrictions and/or pain medication. If I wanted to be in a situation where I wanted them to fully appreciate and enjoy the fact I was naked, I can assure you the introduction to that kind of interaction wouldn’t be “can you help me not die in the shower?”
Jealous Suspicions
This is something that I experienced in a past relationship and see all the time being discussed in support groups. Finding help that you’re comfortable with is challenging enough, but when a partner believes that your helper MUST have nefarious plans, even to the point of throwing a tantrum when a nurse is the same sex the injured party is attracted to. This kind of reaction just makes an already uncomfortable situation feel unnecessarily worse.
I’ve got some pretty strong opinions on this aspect, and they seem to be pretty unpopular opinions but I’m okay with that. If you can’t trust that your partner will be honest with you about their interactions with their care taker when not in your presence, your problem is much bigger than just a little normal jealousy and you need to figure out what to do about it. If your partner is telling you that they’re trusting you but they just don’t trust other people and using that as an excuse to make this process more uncomfortable, this is a manipulative way to clothe jealousy as care and you need to figure out what to do about it.
Bad things do happen. I’m not going to even pretend that it’s not a possibility. However, you can’t live a happy life if you’re always assuming the worse is always going to happen. Whether you’re in a monogamous or a polyamorous relationship, it’s healthy to have conversations about what to expect and the concerns of all involved. I can’t stress how important communication is here. I also can’t stress how important it is that this communication not be full of shaming other parties due to irrational fears based in fantasy.
Trust needs to be established, no matter what flavor of relationship. If you’re poly, you need to discuss whether it’s a possibility that is permitted and the rules of said encounter and be able to trust that those rules will be adhered to. If you’re mono, you need to be able to trust that your partner will not be asking for their care taker to have sexual encounters AS WELL as be able to tell you if it happens against their will. I’ll tell you a secret. If you shame your partner before anything happens, they’re probably going to be too ashamed to tell you if they’re assaulted because they’re afraid you’ll blame them. This isn’t a good situation for anyone involved no matter what happens. Leave your insecurities at the door, and focus on what is best for your partner that needs your love and support as they are going through a rough time and trying to heal.
I had the best reply when asking a partner about his concerns that a friend was coming down from Pennsylvania to help me. I had wanted to make sure he knew that it was another guy helping me, and ask if was he concerned about it. He looked at me, “Is he going to be helping you shower?” I said yes, that’s part of what I’ll need if you’re not here at that time. He nodded, “And do you plan on having sex with him?” I said no, I’d rather not need the help in the shower in the first place. So he shrugged, “Then why are you asking my opinion about it? You need help, he’s helping, sounds pretty simple to me. I’m glad you have someone to help you like this”. I told him that’s why I love him and that was the end of it.
Gossip and Assumptions
Making conjectures and gossiping about said conjectures can be more detrimental that one might think. When there is no other choice but to rely on others, it can be a HUGE blow to the psyche. Do you think you’d be comfortable suddenly needing to ask someone to help you put on underwear? Or if you need help sitting on the toilet after taking your pants down? Personally, I had a really hard time with it for a while. Not because of modesty issues, but because of the lack of control. I like doing things by myself, most of us do. Not being able to have that ability to do what I need on my own, caused some feeling of helplessness. I wasn’t exactly excited about having assistance, whether one of them was aesthetically pleasing or not.
Do you know how often I’ve had it get back to me that it was believed that I didn’t really need the help and I was just playing being in that much pain because one of those assisting was an attractive guy? Or how many times it got back to me that guys I knew were jealous because if I was willing to have one guy “help” when I was naked, they wanted a turn too? I can promise you that the second I was able to do it myself, I celebrated the fact I could tell them not to worry about me.
Thankfully, I’m the type of person that it just annoyed me or I found it hilarious, depending on my mood, and those helping me felt the same. I’m of the mentality that it’s nobody’s business who I’m sleeping with unless they’re directly involved. If people are so bored and simplistic that they have nothing better to do than make up stories about what I do behind closed doors, it just tells me who I don’t need to spend time or energy over. There was a time where it would have bothered me more, and I feel its important to point out that there is nothing wrong with feeling like such things are more significant in one’s life. Just because I keep my emotional response limited, doesn’t mean I expect anyone else to do the same.
It’s perfectly normal to feel ashamed, betrayed, embarrassed, angry, or any mix of emotions with this kind of thing happens. Hearing lies spread about you, especially when you’re already in a low spot, can be really difficult to hear. We’ve all heard the adage about sticks and stones, but words hurt too.
Whether this kind of absurdity is from friends, family, or co-workers, it is simply disgraceful entertainment at the expense of someone already suffering. Unless there is a genuine concern about the quality of care one is receiving, there’s no reason for such base speculation. It adds undue stress to someone that already has plenty of concerns that are much more significant and deserve to be allowed to be taken care of without this kind of thing trying to slither into the forefront.
What You Can Do
You can’t control how other people react and respond. You’re never going to stop people from contriving stories. So while it can be hurtful and stressful, try to just accept that as something that is outside of your control.
What you do have control over is if and how you respond when it happens. I’m not saying to be devoid of emotion, though it can sometimes come across that way. I’m simply suggesting that you take the reality of the circumstance into consideration if you’re ever in this situation.
If you are the injured party, have meaningful conversations with your partner(s). Talk with your support network and be very clear about what you need from them when it comes to things like showers and getting dressed. Don’t be afraid to fire someone from your support network if they are more focused on the fact that you are in a vulnerable position or insist on helping with areas that you don’t require only because those areas are inherently sexual. Try not to engage in the fantasy world others construct of your situation aside from telling them where they can put said construct. Don’t let other people that do not have your needs as far as safety and healing as their first priority to convince you to compromise your level of care. You just focus on taking care of you.
If you are the support for an injured person, leave your fantasies at home. Put them in a box, wrap the box in duct tape, and then smash it with a hammer. This is applicable whether you are the one physically present and assisting or you live several states away and just talk on the phone. Your injured person will be in pain, on meds, and is probably scared. They don’t need something else to worry about, they need to know you’re on their side and care about them.
Sexuality is a normal part of being human. It’s normal to think about it, to have fantasies, and even for unplanned things to occur. But we need to discuss it in a real way, especially when it comes to things that aren’t inherently sexual in nature, like aftercare in surgery recovery. Without accusations. Without assumptions. Without fantasy being mistaken for reality.
