Learning to Allow People to Help

Learning to Let People Help Isn’t Always Easy

I’m not talking about asking your brother to pass the salt at dinner or getting the smart kid that sits next to you in class to “help” you with your essay, though I’m sure both those examples can come with their share of troubles. I’m talking about the kind of help that people ask after a tragedy, “Why didn’t they ask for help? Why didn’t they come talk to me?”

For those first time reading, I have a collection of health issues that make being self-sufficient in a safe and healthy manner just a little bit problematic. Digestion, depression/anxiety, falling over, migraines, subluxing or dislocating joints, breathing issues, brain fog, chronic fatigue, and that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head. Despite this, until recently, I had done my best to push through any pain or other illness no matter the cost to accomplish the task in front of me with as little help as possible.

But Isn’t That a Good Thing?

Well…yes and no. It is a good thing to push one’s self to function as best as one can. It is not good, however, to walk on a broken leg just to prove your strong enough to handle doing it. While that can seem an obvious in that example, it can be harder to understand where the line between the two is with situations that have less of a stark contrast to them. This seems to be especially true with chronic illness. We have to deal with so many things on a constant basis, sorting those from new issues or pushing to “the point of no recovery” isn’t as simple and clean as acute issues can be.

Okay…But Why Does That Make It Hard to Ask For Help?

I can’t speak for the stories of others, but I learned from a young age that the only person you could rely on was yourself. If I would sublux my hip, not only was nobody helping me, but nobody believed the small child was experiencing such a level of significant pain. If I had breathing trouble, because it was diagnosed as “not asthma” I was told to push past it. Or if I did receive help, annoyance seemed to quickly creep into the helper when my problem didn’t get resolved. Parents, doctors, family, teachers, and well-meaning friends. The story seemed to remain the same. That’s not to garner sympathy, but rather to simply paint a picture for better understanding.

Nobody was going to come and fix me. Nobody was going to help me more than a few times. I only have me.

At least that’s how I felt.

Instead of considering what was best for my health, I had to focus my attention of finding ways around my various issues to do what was needed. Whether I should or should not be doing such task wasn’t even a question. I put ridiculously high expectations on myself to control everything that I could. Hide the emotions so nobody notices I’ve got anxiety. Smile through the pain so nobody is inconvenienced. Deal with it all internally because it’s not worth trying to trust anyone on the outside.

That Never Stopped Me From Trying to Help Others

Which may seem a bit backwards. However, though I wasn’t ready to let my walls down, I wanted to let others know they weren’t alone. I’d give the support to others that I wish I had when I was growing up, whether young or old. From the heartache of a lost pet to a less than desired medical diagnosis. I was happy to know I was helping someone. Hell, that’s part of the reason I started this page, to hopefully reach some people and let them know they weren’t alone or help those trying to assist others understand a bit better of what not to do.

Yet there I was, keeping myself on my own little personal island of self. In my own little corner, in my own little chair. While pulling people off their islands with love and compassion.

What Made Me Reconsider the Island of Self

Three events happened in rapid succession, which caused my paradigm to make a hard turn.

Someone I’ve grown to love and trust recently caught me in the middle of a pretty bad break down. I was utterly beside myself with the hEDS diagnosis and knowing it means I’ll slowly degrade, and who wants to deal with someone who will probably be in a wheelchair before they should be and need help doing normal tasks. It’s not fair to ask someone to deal with a person like that as a partner. He made me look at him, “No, it’s not fair. But did you ask for this?” I shook my head. “So, it’s not fair to you either. And that means it’s people like me and [your partner] that are here to help. I think it makes it a little more fair, don’t you?”

It’s not a flawless argument by any means, but I really had to stop.

A lovely new friend recently said if I needed any help with surgery recovery to please let her know. But I didn’t want to bother her, which is how I really felt it would be in my mind. Until there was one day when I truly needed help home from work and all of my normal assists were gone. When I asked her, the interaction was pleasant enough, but it was what she said when she was escorting me home that shook the paradigm foundation again. “I’m so glad you asked me to help! I’ve felt like a terrible friend so I’m happy to have a way to help you!”

I had to catch myself from physically stopping in my tracks with how hard that hit.

Then earlier today, talking with another zebra friend. We were talking about this very concept and she shared what someone told her. “You know that good feeling you get from helping someone else? When you give that part of yourself to make someone else happy? Who are you to rob someone of that feeling by refusing to let people help you?”

And even though I could tell where she was going as the story was being told, it was still a punch to the gut.

We All Need Help and We All Need Love

Sure, it doesn’t take away from those out there that kick us when we’re down. And it certainly isn’t an easy transition to go from “I can do everything myself” to “Can you help me do this everyday task?”, I certainly am not doing it smoothly. There are emotional walls built of reinforced concrete that have been there since I was young and it’s uncomfortable taking them down to allow someone to get close.

We have to remember that we’re worth the same compassion we put out. There is no need to suffer when there are people that love and care that WANT to help. Whether it’s help with mobility or just being in the company of a friend on a bad depression day…there is nothing wrong with asking for that. And there is certainly nothing wrong with allowing someone to give you that either.