To cut to the chase, consider this your trigger warning, I’ve been sexually assaulted by someone who was assisting with post surgical care a number of months ago and that’s what this is about. While yes, I’ll be talking about my experience, only so much as to provide a stepping stone. I’ll not be going into details because I don’t personally feel it to be helpful. The truth of that statement itself, still feels like it sucks the air out of my lungs and crushes my heart. I see no reason to antagonize that feeling simply to add specifics. I’m not writing because I want to hear outpouring of sympathy, or pity, or empathy. I’m writing for the same reason I’ve written about other less than pleasant experiences in the past. My goal has always been to let people feel they’re not so alone. It’s not hopeless. You’re not crazy. You’re not broken. This is no different.
As with a post I’ve done previously, I probably don’t have it in me to edit for eloquence as much as I would prefer. Do not consider my statements legal or medical recommendations of action for your particular situation. Anything I talk about, is my own experience and I urge you to do what you feel necessary to stay safe and healthy.
One last note before we begin, while the #MeToo movement was generally centered around women that told their stories, I want to stress that sexual assault does not have a preference as to who will be a predator or a victim. Absolutely nobody is, by default, incapable of being in either category simply by being a particular gender, sexual orientation, or life circumstance. A straight cis man can be a victim, despite that the majority of predators fall into that category. A lesbian AMAB woman can be a predator, despite that they’re more likely to be victims. There is a dangerous undercurrent in many group conversations that has been suggesting that certain groups of people should ALWAYS be believed over another. I want to make it very clear that I don’t feel there is, nor should be, any group of person that should be considered protected above others…despite that it may not be a very popular opinion on things.
I’m aware this is not a comfortable statement. But we must not face trauma with our own fears of not being believed. Predators come in all genders, in all sexual orientations, and all levels of physical ability, ect… There’s even victims that instead of healing their own trauma, turn into predators themselves. If your situation doesn’t fit the typical “strong cis male forces himself on weaker unsuspecting female” story that we’ve come accustomed to…this had no impact on the validity of your experience.
After a lot of work, both with people that love me and a therapist that has an amazing skill with trauma, I came to truly accept some things. These are things that I would have told, and HAVE told friends that have been victims. But…when it happens to you, it’s harder to believe it yourself. I’m sure I’ll repeat it later here and that’s only because I want to be very upfront; none of it was easy, but all of it was worth it. Having ones that I trust remind me of these things, gave me permission to believe it too. Dear reader, you may, or may not, know me, but sometimes a stranger’s permission to accept can be a great help. So…for anyone that needs to hear it….
It is not your fault.
There’s a lot of blame that happens in our culture when a victim comes forward. I don’t care what you were wearing, or if you started it, or if they misunderstood something as a pass, or if you were drunk, or if you were drugged. It’s not your fault. The fault falls 100% to that of the person that assaulted you. Unless you were literally asking someone to do this to you as a BDSM scene and you negotiated a safe word (which is a completely different circumstance) then it’s not your fault. I understand it isn’t easy. I was on some high pain meds after a surgery, and yet I still wasted time trying to talk myself into ways that that I could have been responsible. Think about that for a moment. Drugged up person, less than 48 hours after significant surgery to my ankle, was trying to figure out how it could have been my fault. The person that needed someone to give them meds and was so discombobulated they needed physical assistance in going to the bathroom. Was trying figure out how it could possibly be their fault.
Now that some time has passed, I understand why I tried to take that approach. It was someone I considered a friend. It was exceptionally difficult to think this individual would do this without a reasonable explanation, because friends don’t do things like that. It was easier to lie to myself about the truth of the situation by trying to take responsibility despite being drugged…than it was to accept that this person took full advantage of knowing I was greatly impaired on a medicine that would make memory incomplete.
This is something that is hard to accept for just about anyone. Not only do we have to come to the realization that the friendship was a lie as a whole, but it often creates feelings of suspicions on other topics. If one could make such a grave error in judgement in this situation, they may start to question if any of their friendships are real. And to come out of the darkness the situation brings, you’ve got to face those concerns (preferably with a good therapist as a neutral party rather than a friend that, by the nature of trauma, you may question the motives of later). It can slowly spiral into everything that’s beautiful and healthy. And I know that it can be painful and scary and terrifying, but you are worth the effort to give that gift to yourself. To be able to truly accept the reality of it not being your fault.
I certainly wasn’t excited about that particular part of the journey toward recovery, but, it’s also not a part of my nature to even entertain a lie to myself for very long. A terrible truth is more useful than a pleasant lie in my world. Facing temporary discomfort, no matter how intense, is better in the long term. Try and remember that on your journey as well. Whether your skirt was short, you got in the car, you asked them to help when vulnerable, you were drunk, you were too scared to say no. It. Isn’t. Your. Fault. If the person that assaulted you wasn’t a predator…would what you have done mattered as much?
It can happen to anyone
You are not weak or dumb or asking for it more than anyone else that it’s happened to. All you can do is protect yourself the best ways you know how. Just because sometimes it can still happen, it says more about the one that assaulted you than it does you. I know that, again, it’s not easy. We want to believe that there’s always a way to prevent it. That if we just do the right thing, that will keep us safe. It’s incredibly jarring to have to face that we ALL have times when we’re vulnerable. We can’t be hyper-vigilant 100% of the time and still lead normal lives. Or healthy ones for that matter. Though, our minds may try to tell us that this needs to be our new normal as it may become hyperfocused on trying to prevent this from ever occuring again.
This is a natural part of trauma for many people. Our brains try to take what happened and create a new set of rules in order to prevent it from ever happening again. So many people come up with tips and tricks like walking with keys between your fingers in a fist or a nail polish to dip in your bar drink to detect an added drug. But all the precautions in the world, doesn’t mean we’ll be perfectly safe. If military personnel can be sexually assaulted despite all their training and knowledge, then it can certainly happen to you too. While that can be fear inducing, try to use it to reflect back on how it’s not your fault. If it can happen to some of the best, then you are not less or flawed or broken or weak because it happened to you. As previously stated, it says more about the predator than it does about you.
Part of the reason I sought help for myself is because I know I couldn’t accept that truth on my own. But with another surgery coming up shortly after it happened, I couldn’t afford a scared and wounded heart going into it. I was not going to give myself the best chance of healing if I was still consumed by the trauma. Considering refusing pain meds so you stay fully aware, is not good for your healing. Considering trying to force your partner to stay conscious for 72 hours so you don’t have to even think about the chance it could happen with anyone, is not healthy. I refused to let it poison my chances of healing. Taking healthy precautions is great and knowing it could happen to anyone shouldn’t prevent you from doing so. But the take away here should be not to beat yourself up if the worst does occur.
It’s okay to feel however you feel about it
I know as much as we can understand things from a logical point of view, it doesn’t mean that emotions will be kind enough to follow suit. They’re going to do whatever they’re going to do. Anger, guilt, betrayal, fear, disgust, grief, hatred…no matter what feeling it is…it’s okay and normal. The important thing is to just acknowledge them, embrace them for what they are, and refrain from acting solely on just those emotions. Don’t focus on whether the emotions are okay to have. Sexual assault is a trauma, and as a dear friend reminded me, there’s no such thing as a minor sexual assault trauma, and trauma brings a mix of volatile emotions. So whatever your feeling is valid.
It is also valid to grieve the loss of what you thought was friendship (or whatever relationship it may have been) and still feel like you never want to see the person again. You can miss the person that assaulted you, the person you thought you knew. Just never allow them the chance to come back and do it again because of that feeling of loss. There is nothing wrong with you if you miss the relationship you thought was real. Those memories are valid. There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t need to grieve right now too. You don’t have to have the same response as someone seeks to be valid. Contrary to what some will tell you, there’s no right or wrong way to feel after a trauma. The only right or wrong is action taken solely because of the emotions that come about.
Reach out to loved ones, but only for your sake, not for spite
Nobody should have to handle such a burden by themselves. So reach out to those that you trust and you know love you. Don’t do it because you just want to ruin the life of the one that assaulted you. Do it because you are a person that deserves love and support when dealing with a trauma.
When I reached out to the first few loved ones, it wasn’t to convince people to take sides or ask them to help me plot revenge. It certainly wasn’t a cry for attention so I could whinge about poor little me. My whole intention was that I refused to let someone not worth my attention have an impact on my life without taking healthy action about it. I was going to talk to those that I trusted the most to prove to myself that I could do it. Whatever the people I told did, was up to them. I owed it to myself to reach out, despite any fear of rejection.
Some of them were livid, some were full of sympathy, and some simply let me talk, but the important part is that I have been blessed so far that the vast majority have been full of love and support. And really…that was all I wanted at the time. A reminder that just because one person played a good game of pretending to be a decent human being, didn’t negate the fact that others were honest in their relationship. Prove that to yourself too. It isn’t about them, it is about you giving yourself the best chance at overcoming it in healthy ways. Confirm the bonds that you love and trust. Don’t let the trauma ooze onto the good things that you deserve to have in your life.
Predators will lie about what happened. It’s about them…not about you
As if the assault wasn’t enough, it’s not uncommon for someone that assaults you to lie to others about it in an attempt to invalidate your experience and your story. If they paint themselves as a victim, their hope is that the lie is believable enough for others to ignore your truth. Document everything as much as you can. Write down what you remembered happening as clear as you can. Screen shot texts. Think of any outside person that can disprove the lies being said. For my personal story, having someone else that was close by and the only one that administered my aforementioned pain meds with a surgeon that could speak to my state and past history with similar surgeries?
And though it may be tempting in the face of someone accusing you of something you know to be untrue…DO NOT LIE IN RETALIATION. Do not fabricate part of your story in an attempt to quiet the lies. Do not attack back in spite. Do not encourage, or allow without counter, others to lie about their involvement or awareness of your circumstances. There’s also a great benefit to living one’s life in the pursuit of truth. There’s no lies to uncover. No conspiracy to unravel. I know all too well how it feels when you hear lies about the event. Lies about who you are. But no matter how that feels…stick to truths.
No matter the reason they did it, no matter the reason they’re lying about the truth of reality. They are doing it because they don’t want others to know they screwed up. Their victim just happens to be the easiest whipping post because they’re typically scared and wounded from digesting what happened to them days, weeks, even months later. Not because the victim is weak, but because that is how trauma impacts the brain. I know it can be scary, facing a mess like that. But be honest to yourself, and don’t let the fact that they’re trying to get everyone’s who’s listening. Try to have faith that those worth your presence will not fall prey. And if they do? You’ve just outgrown them.
Never let your aggressor convince you that you need to talk one on one to work things out. Or that you poor thing, you’re so confused, if only you could have talked it out. Or that you’re the one throwing the friendship away. Or that you’re ruining their relationship with people. Or feel obligated to answer their questions. Hell…don’t feel obligated to even answer interrogatory questions from supposed loved ones if you aren’t okay with it right now. Don’t flay yourself in order to prove anything unless it is your choosing. Listen to those you trust if they’re worried about your well being as you heal during this time. But you owe your story to nobody.
Healing will take time and can show up in very unexpected ways
As I’m writing this particular section, it has been months since the incident. I went through two different rounds of some pretty heavy therapy. In my mind, I thought I had gotten over it and recovered because it wasn’t impacting my life………..that I noticed.
Unfortunately, part of the problem was I wasn’t noticing. I was blissfully unaware until very recently to be perfectly honest. Someone I have been quite close to for about 5 years now, asked if they could spend some time overnight with me. I was in a complete panic about it. You’d think that would be panic over Covid exposure? Nope. I don’t have any concerns there because he pretty much stays away from people too. No no. I was completely obsessed with things that were kinda nonsense. Want an idea? Take a took over at this previous post for an example of what my sentient ball of bacon jelly that calls itself a brain decides to go a bit crazy.
It took just venting to a trusted friend before I realized…the last time I fell asleep next to someone that wasn’t my primary partner…was the person that was supposed to be keeping me safe while recovering from surgery. Months later, my sentient bacon jelly still felt a need to keep me safe from anyone that wasn’t my primary partner. Despite the fact I’ve been close to this other person for five years and he’s one of the ones that helped me recover in the first place. Despite the fact that he’s seen me at some of my worst and still supports me in ways I don’t even always have words for. I was still experiencing remnants of trauma over the idea of falling asleep with them even close by.
But you know what? That’s okay. While it does bring up quite a bit of rage that I thought had completely cooled down towards my aggressor, I’m more furious at how trauma impacts things rather than upset over “Oh woe is me, poor me and my situation.” Because as soon as I realized it? It gave me the chance to work with it. I’ve spent the day messaging him about where my head is at, and it allowed a healthy conversation about how to move forward in safe ways.
Is it a shitty set of circumstances that lead to issues that can be intimidating to have conversations about? Yep. But having those conversations was the only way to face it. Refusing to let it get in between me and those I’ve gotten to share wonderful bonds with. Even though it was unexpected and months after the fact. Don’t let the trauma of the event dictate your life. You’re not failing if it comes back. You haven’t failed if you look back and realize that some of your new behaviors are trauma based. You haven’t failed if you have a flashback even years later. You’re only failing if you give in and stay there.
One of the most important things, is to get the professional help you need
Every location is different. Where I’m at, we have a FANTASTIC advocacy group that is very easy to talk to. Many areas have women’s shelters that will have a list of recommended therapists that handle sexual trauma specifically. There are also a number of lawyers that will provide a free consult to help you understand the proper measures to take in order to protect yourself and your rights as a victim. Some victims feel comfortable going to the police, while others do not. Though I encourage speaking up, I also have to acknowledge that everyone’s circumstances is different.
The first thing I did was I discussed my concerns with my surgeon during one of the post-op appointments to get an unbiased take on what the chances were it was a freak medication reaction. Making sure that there was no chance that my fragmented memory was, in fact, unprecedented hallucinations. When that was shot out of the water pretty concretely? I didn’t see any other option but to go to therapy. But that is my path and how I chose to walk down it.
You know your situation better than anyone else. Whether you quietly find a therapist or you go for the metaphorical throat of those that have wronged you. What matters above all else, is that you’re safe and taking steps to protect your own well being.
The faster one can take a trauma and process it in healthy ways, the faster we can also move on and live happy lives despite it. It has come up with several different therapists now. The longer you wait for help, the longer it will take to recover. It’s never too late, but if you get to it sooner, you remove more opportunities for it to ooze over more positive things in you life. So please…get professional help. Despite the stigma about it. Despite what those around you may think. Get help from someone trained in trauma specific therapy.
Because you are worth it.
You deserve to be happy.
You are not the trauma that happened to you.
And those that insist on using something out of your control to shame you or make you feel less worthy of having a life worth living…leave them behind with their choices. Because you deserve those that will support you in trying to make your life better.
I’m blessed to have a support network. And I’ve got a stubborn bitch of a personality. I may not always know the right thing to do or the best way to handle it. But I do know it’s always better to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Because I’m worth it. I’m worth all that effort and pain and fear and heartbreak it took to recover this far.
And if I’m worth it?
So are you, you magical fucking zebra, you.
